(I want to preface this by saying that this was my reality, right or wrong, at the time. This is only my perspective and does not include the perspectives of either of my parents or what their reality was. I love both of my parents and I have a loving relationship and a deep respect for each of them.)
I come from a broken home. My parents were divorced when I was only four years old. During that time in my life I went from living with my parents as a couple to living with my grandparents for about 8 months and then going back to living with my mom who was now single. I felt that the divorce must have been my fault. You see, the last time I saw my parents before getting on a plane to go see my grandparents; they were (I thought) happily married. When I returned, they were divorced. They had sent me away so I must have been the one to blame.
After the divorce, I stayed with my mother. We moved several times during these years and as a result I attended many different schools. It was an unstable time in my life. I was scheduled to visit my father every other weekend. There were many weekends that he couldn’t come get me and I remember being absolutely devastated each time that would happen. I would cry and cry and I am sure that this hurt my mother as well to see me in such anguish. I no longer blame my father for any of this, but at the time it was very difficult to handle.
When I was twelve, I gave myself an ulcer when my father asked me to come and live with him and I could not make a decision. I felt that either way, one of my parents was going to get hurt. My father persuaded me that it would be best to live with him, his wife and my little sister and I did decide to live with them, but that did not solve any of my problems. I don’t believe that my father had any ill intent; he was just trying to do what was best for me. And, in retrospect, I do believe that the stability he provided was the best situation for me. A difficult part for me was that my mother allowed me to choose with whom I wanted to live. I thought she didn’t want me because she did not fight for me or tell me that I couldn’t go live with my dad. I now know that she felt I was old enough to decide and she did want me to live with her.
I was a very depressed child that turned into a very depressed adult. I lived with this for over twenty years. Sure, you think that you get over things, but really they just get put up on a shelf. Inside I was still that little girl that my dad left on the plane to go see my grandparents. I felt that same pain come back again and again every time my dad dropped me back off after spending a weekend with him or when I waited and waited for him to pick me up and never showed. I know that when people get divorced they think that the kids will be okay; they think that they can keep things normal for the children’s sake. But let me tell you from first hand experience, you can’t. My parents were always nice in front of my brother and me and did not ever fight or bad mouth the other, but, it was still not a normal life. More than anything, I wanted to be that kid whose parents were still married after thirty or so years and still as much in love as the day they met. Think that dream is impossible? I used to. Now I know that getting divorced is as much of a decision as getting married is. You choose to get married and you can choose whether or not to get divorced. You have to actively make decisions that support your spouse and bring you closer and not pull you apart. I am not suggesting that marriage is by any means easy, but if you decide as a couple that divorce is not an option and you work at it, you can have a successful marriage. Genesis 1:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”